[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
way to surpassing you. It s just a matter of
time until you re stuck gnawing on your
straw and squinting into my dust, wondering
how you got left so far behind.
Riley He lifted his hand in a lame at-
tempt to stop me, but he should ve known
better. I d only just begun.
You think you re so cool, you think you re
so & My voice broke, but I forced myself to
continue. You think you ve got everything,
don t you? Just because you have a pretty
girlfriend named Jasmine just because
you re fourteen that doesn t make you bet-
ter than me. Because you just wait, I m about
to turn thirteen any second now, I m starting
to figure it out, even though you ve been re-
fusing to tell me even though you re de-
termined to keep me stuck where I am. And
then, once I am thirteen &
259/299
He was no longer listening. Instead, he
motioned toward something he wanted me
to see, something that made his gaze grow so
sad and regretful he was reluctant to look at
me.
And when I swung my head in the direc-
tion he was pointing, I froze in my tracks.
My words stalled.
My eyes nearly popped from my head.
My mouth hung silent and long.
Dreamland was in full swing, open for
business again, and some prop guys were
moving a mirror to a soundstage that
must ve needed it for a dream jump. They
paused right before me, stopping to chat
with some other prop guys who were leading
a group of camels, two zebras, and one elab-
orately painted elephant in the opposite
direction.
The mirror shining so clean and
bright causing my reflection to glint in a
way I couldn t deny.
260/299
I moved closer. Moved so close it fogged
up in small patches when I blew on it. Tra-
cing my fingers over my reflected contours,
wondering just what exactly had gone so ter-
ribly wrong.
I d survived a long night of terror, which
had surely left its mark, but this had nothing
to do with that.
It was my glow that left me speechless.
It wasn t shining brighter. In fact, it was
barely shining at all.
It had dimmed.
Significantly dimmed.
While Bodhi stood beside me, glowing
brighter than I d ever seen him. His usual
green nearly edged out by blue.
And that s when it hit me.
That s when I knew.
The stubble on his chin the aqua glow
that surrounded him he d bumped up, sur-
passed me.
261/299
He d turned fifteen while I was still
twelve.
It s not fair! I cried, my face a raging
mess of crystalline tears and red cheeks, the
reflection vanishing the second the prop guys
shot me a worried look and hurried away.
I m the one who does all the hard work!
I m the one who at least tried to convince
Satchel to stop weaving nightmares! I put
myself at great risk while you you I
could barely stand to say it, but I made my-
self anyway. While you lounged around in a
garden, reading poetry to your girlfriend! I
shook my head, my throat so hot and tight I
had to force the words to come. So tell me,
oh mighty guide of mine, tell me, how is that
fair?
Instead of answering, Bodhi stepped away.
Taking Buttercup with him, trying to give me
some space. Then, once I d calmed down
enough, he circled back and said, The glow
isn t solely determined by what you do,
262/299
Riley. His gaze fixed on mine, and there
wasn t a trace of triumph in it at least I
could be happy for that. It s not about what
you accomplish. It s never been about that I
thought you understood?
Then what is it about? I said, my tone
striving for venom, but landing on weak and
pathetic.
It s about what you learn while you re do-
ing it. And, I hate to say it, but you ve failed
to learn one of the most important lessons of
all.
I sank to my knees, hiding my face in But-
tercup s neck. Overcome with embarrass-
ment and shame, regretting my outburst in a
very big way. It was the immature reaction of
someone much closer to ten than the age I
wanted to be I d done the opposite of what
Balthazar had told me.
Instead of channeling my fire and passion
and determination I d succumbed to them.
I d let my emotions control me. I guess
263/299
understanding the concept and acting on the
concept were two different things. Clearly I
wasn t thirteen, because I was neither worthy
nor ready.
For someone who s so wrapped up in ap-
pearances, and don t even try to deny it, be-
cause you know you judge people by the way
they look all the time what is it you called
me when we first met? He looked at me,
wanting me to say it, wanting me to engage
in some way. Wanting me to admit that,
yeah, I did, and sometimes still do, refer to
him as dorky guy. But I refused. I didn t want
to play. I wanted it to end. I wanted the
whole humiliating talk to be over and done
with so I could be on my way.
Anyway, I think we both know what you
called me, the point is He paused in a way
that told me this next part was important,
something he really wanted me to think
about. The thing that you really need to
264/299
know is that appearances are really just
manifestations of how we see ourselves.
Huh?
I snuck a peek at him. He had my full
attention.
Thoughts create, right? He waited for me
to nod, to acknowledge him in some way, so I
did. And so, with that in mind, the way you
see yourself, well, it has a direct effect on
what you become, and how others see you.
I squinted, not entirely getting it.
Take Aurora, for example. Aurora sees
herself as not just a member of human-
ity but as a part of all humanity. She sees
absolutely no divide whatsoever, no bound-
ary of any kind, between herself and every-
one else. That s why you see the beauty of
everything when you look at her. Her com-
plexion is a mix of all the complexions, and
her hair is the same, the way it transitions
through the entire color spectrum and back
again. But Riley, you re so stuck on being
265/299
eternally twelve as you choose to call
it you re so stuck in your anger, you re so
determined to find a shortcut to get around
it that, in the end, you re just dooming
yourself. By obsessing over it, you re keeping
yourself stuck right where you are. The thing
is, if you want to grow up, well, then you
have to start seeing yourself as grown up.
And, no offense, but you ll need to start act-
ing like a grown-up too. Which means no
more outbursts or tantrums. The bottom line
is, if anyone s holding you back, Riley, it s
you.
Ouch.
I m not gonna lie, the words stung in a
really big way. They also left me feeling really
embarrassed, mortified, and
ashamed mostly because I could recognize
the truth when it was jumping up and down
and waving before me.
You can t force it, Riley. You can t achieve
it in the way you ve been trying. In the Here
266/299
& Now, there are no birthdays you mature
when you re ready.
I sighed. It s pretty much exactly what
Ever said during the dream, still I looked at
him and said, But you once told me that if I
keep up the good work, then I ll be able to
transcend level one-point-five in no time!
Was that another lie too?
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]